So.... It has been a while...

So…It’s been a while. It isn’t that I ran out of things to say, topics to write about, or events that have happened. I just kinda ran out of room in the day to get them down in written form. I guess I fell out of love of blogging. 

So, what’s new with me in the time since I’ve rarely posted? I’m now a happily married man, a father of three little boys, a owner of a family home with a garden in an area that I had always aspired to live in, working in a role where I feel valued and respected at a truly global giant of broadcasting.

We have pretty much completed Netflix, I’m back into playing my favourite football management game from my youth, and life has been good.

I have been happy with the cards that life has dealt me.

But what’s new in the world? Well that’s a whole other blog post.

For fourteen months life has been different than its ever been before. But in our family of five, it has been so much better than could have been expected. Spending time at home has brought us closer as a family, I have spent more time with my kids than I would have ever expected, and for that I will always be grateful. My favourite parts of my day are walking my eldest two boys to school and watching them run down the path when they come home.

I’m working from home full time, so I am around for mealtimes, bath times and bedtimes. Something my own father has spoken about being sad that he missed so often in his own career. I am missing interacting with other adults, but do not miss the commute or the type of people you encounter daily in a big city.

We have been lucky, no one that we love has been affected by COVID, and we are eternally thankful for that. But lockdown has brought about change in many relationships which were previously granite, which we will always be truly saddened for.

Personally, and as what tends to happy when we welcome a baby to the world, I put on weight. So since New Year’s Day, I have been determined to eat healthier, eat less, and move more. I have been running three times a week and was breaking PBs every time I ran. That was until I got too confident and ran a half marathon without really training for it. Yes, I’m glad I ticked it off of the bucket list, but gutted as I caused myself a hip injury, which now means I need to focus on recovery for 4-6 weeks opposed to running. That’s coincided with eating crap again, so the cycle continues. I have made a running account on insta and have enjoyed being part of the running community @notbadforafatdad

Fatherhood is easily the best part of my life, and the best job I’ve ever had. My boys are my world, and my eldest is now 6. He is in love with football which is pleasing me no end. Its just hard trying to convince him to support the same team that I do, when we have been so poor this year. Luckily, we have an International tournament this summer for him to obsess over.

I aim to get writing more often, so will endeavour to not leave it so long next time. Roll on summer! 

To the person reading this, thank you. I hope you are well, healthy, and that you and your loved ones have got through this awful last year or so. Hopefully we can see the light at the end of long dark tunnel. 

Run Fatboy Run

Life. Its a funny old game. It flies by in the blink of an eye, and before you know it, years and years have passed, and you are left wondering what the fuck happened and where has the time gone.

Since we became a family of four, my life feels like it has been on fast forward constantly. My week consists of early rises with the kids, the daily commute, hours at the office, commute home to dinnertime, bathtime and bedtime with the kids, quick tidy up, finally sit down for an hour, then off to bed. And repeat. 

Before you know it, every day can easily become ground hog day. 

To counteract that, I have signed up to run the London 10k as a way to combat two things within my life that I wasn’t happy with - my mental and my physical health.

My weight has always been up and down, but since becoming a father for the second time in August 2017, I let my health and lifestyle slip away from me. This culminated in weighing in far heavier than I should have ever been, and finally admitting to myself that things needed to change. I often felt low, and often overly anxious. I would end up eating far too much due to feeling a like shit, and then would feel like shit because I was eating far too much. It was a negative cycle which I couldn’t get out of.

The weight, along with accommodation and financial worries really got to me, and made me think I was failing at being the best father and partner I could be. Everyone has pressures in life, and I just needed to deal with mine better. The littlest thing could set me off on a downward spiral down, and my mind took me deeper down, and this is something which people notice in me, something which I am not the best at hiding.

Feeling down became far too regular and was rapidly becoming my new normal. It got to the stage where I used the CALM webchat, as I was feeling pretty worthless. I soon realized that only I could change the outlook in my life. 

My kids deserve a Daddy who is positive and happy.  If things were going to change, I need to be the one to spark that change.

As previously mentioned in my blog, I looked up and read up on who CALM were and what they do after hearing an advert on a podcast. There message resonated big time. I was a fan of the rapper Professor Green, and learned of his involvement with the charity after viewing his BBC3 documentary - Suicide and Me, decided to write my own story. Forever in Our Hearts was the subsequent post, where I was able to finally get some emotions out, in regards to my Uncle Charlie’s suicide when I was just 10years old. 

Now approaching my 36th birthday, I am only 5years younger than he was when he died. I now feel at an age to understand some of the anxieties, pressures, decisions, heartbreak, and despair that he must have felt.

I needed to change. I still need to change. I won’t let history repeat itself.

I needed a goal to work towards, a target to have, and something to aim for. Years ago, I had run 10k and raised money in aid of the daughter of an old friend, so I looked for a race to run, with an achievable goal. So in March this year, I signed up for the run, and decided to run for CALM, and be part of the team which will make London orange on July 21st.

Since starting my training in March, I have lost over three and half stone (22kgs+). The CALM runners vest is still a bit snug, but I have a few weeks left to get into it! I cant wait to be one of over 350 people running the streets of London for such a great cause.

During the run, I will think, and I will remember.

I will think of those 84 men who took their lives that week, and every week in the UK. 12 per day.

I will think of the 84 families affected. The 84 versions of the ten year old me, who lost their playmate, and who for the next 25years will think about that person every day. I will remember those men who took the decision to 

If you are feeling down, scared of yourself, scared of your thoughts or fucking down in the dumps. Talk. Talk to anyone. You haven’t got to know them, you just need to get it out. Cry. If you need to, fucking cry. Fucking scream if you have to. Don’t let things build to the point where you only see one option for your life.

If you’re not happy with your health/weight like me, getting started is the hardest bit. Getting to the gym or going for that first jog around the block is mentally the hardest part. There’s always that voice in your head saying “not tonight, go tomorrow instead”. But once you have been, and you have accomplished something, that same voice says “F**king well done mate, now let’s go again tomorrow”.

For me, it’s important to remember why I am putting the effort in. I want to raise money for a charity which means a lot to me. I want there to be significant change in the way that we as men deal with our emotions. I want there to be resources available for people who are struggling. I want to use my uncle’s memory to push me closer to the 10k finish post.

Most importantly, I want my sons to be able to see Daddy achieve something.

Fundraising has been limited to friends and family, on social media, and colleagues in the workplace, with every penny raised being extremely appreciated.

I find that as the social media generation, we are all becoming somewhat immune to actually engaging with these posts on our timelines, as there are so many people raising money for all sorts of outstanding organisations. To counter act this and stand out from the crowd, I have decided to be far more open about the reason I am running for CALM, sharing my story with my social circles. I hope that by being open, and not being ashamed by the reasons for running, it may encourage people to donate, but more importantly, to raise awareness for CALM. It may just save someone’s life.

Since my diet and training started a few months back, I have enjoyed seeing the physical change in my appearance. I feel good in my clothes again. My kids have commented that Daddy’s tummy isn’t as big anymore. It is nice to see that my hard work is being noticed by those around me.

I attended the recent CALM Runners Run&Pub session in Regents Park, which I was initially very apprehensive about. I am not a great runner, my aim is simply to finish on the big day, but when I arrived I found a group of people just like me. No competition, just encouragement and support of what we are trying to do as a collective. I learnt things that I have taken on board and implemented in subsequent training sessions, and look forward to hopefully bumping into the rest of the group on race day, when we are all proudly wearing that orange vest, being cheered on by the CALM volunteers. 

When I first started this blog, I didn't share any of my posts with my Facebook page. I guess I was apprehensive about how that story would be perceived by those on my social media page. But in the subsequent years since, the stigma around suicide and mental health really does seem to have changed, and a large amount of credit for that has to go to CALM. Their campaigns have seen a huge response, especially Project 84 from last year which was followed by the male suicide story line form Coronation Street, which enabled CALMs messaged to go out to a huge number of people. The amount of people searching for CALM or using one of their immediate help lines went up by over 30%.

I will share this post with my own social media page. I hope that my honesty and openness will encourage people to donate, and to more importantly look into this crucially important subject. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. 

Among those 350+ members of Team CALM at the London 10k, there will 350+ reasons to run. and 350+ stories. I look foward to meeting more of the team, and wish "Good luck" to everyone taking part.

Cheers,

Mark

If you wish to sponsor me - you can do so here! Any donation is appreciated.

To my Uncle Charlie, this one is for you.
I wish that I had photographs of us.

CALM runs a free and anonymous helpline 0800 585858 and webchat (5pm-12am daily) staffed by trained professionals,  www.theCALMzone.net

Preventing My Own...

It has been nearly one year since my last blog post. Not that I haven’t had things that could have been said, more that I haven’t had the impulse to actually say them in blog form. It has been a long rollercoaster ride of a year. Amazing highs, terrifying lows. Maybe if the mood takes me I will take the time to get it out. It will probably do me good.

But not today.

Today I felt compelled to post, in homage to the reason for writing my very first post. Suicide. My uncle’s suicide. My first two posts can be seen here. Forever In Our Hearts and The Permanent Solution where I talk about it in case you haven't read them before. 

For today is World Suicide Prevention Day. But two years on, has anything changed in me?

But how do you prevent something like this, when the pressures, pains, anxieties and depressions that we feel as humans is a prevalent today as it has ever been?

I don’t know if you can. But we live in an age where we are encouraged to be open and talk to eachother about our feelings and insecurities. We are told it is ok to not be ok. We are told that asking for help doesn’t make you less of a man.

Therefore my way of preventing suicide, has to be preventing my own.

Now before I go on, I am not suicidal. I am not a risk. I am in a good place. But I am aware to the triggers which can bring me down.

Depression has been something that has been part of my life since my teenage years. Not that I have ever admitted that to anyone until a couple of months back. What started off as insecurities and negative self-perception, soon led to hating my thoughts, and hating them in the true sense of the word.

As I have grown older I have struggled under the weight of life’s every day pressures, anxiety and money troubles have made me to see myself as a failure. A run of issues in my life brought me down, and my mind took me deeper down. And people noticed and asked questions. Scary thoughts had entered my mind. What would happen if this bus hits me at speed? Or if I trip in front of this tube train would it be painful? Would people in my life be better off without me? And it was once I thought that, I knew that in the words of the late 
Chester Bennington, “my thoughts can be a bad place to be”, and that I needed to do something about it. So I spoke to people. One I knew I would talk to, the other who I wouldn’t have expected to open up with. But as soon as I felt compassion, I knew I could release the dark mental build up.

My uncle Charlie died by suicide at 41years old. He took his own life, found in his car in 1993. I was ten years old when it happened, and for years accepted the line I had been told that he had died by a heart attack.

I was ten, and I can see why I was told that. Suicide is hard enough to comprehend as a 35year adult, so there was no way a ten year old me could have been expected to understand the truth and what suicide is.

The questions. The fucking questions. Why? Why? Why? What could we have done? What did you need? Why didn’t you reach out? Why didn’t you talk to us? Why are we left here without you and why didn’t you think about us when you made that decision?

Maybe you felt you would be burdening us with your issues. Perhaps you felt like you had got yourself into this mess and only you could get yourself out. It could be that you did reach out to someone. Maybe it was someone who broke your heart, and they didn’t give you what you needed. Perhaps you couldn’t talk about it. Possibly you were like me and struggle to take advice from others. Maybe you did think about us, despite our absence from your suicide letter.

I can only assume your depression was such a dark horrible fight that you couldn’t fight anymore. In a way, I hope it was a long struggle. As horrible as that sounds, I crave the knowledge to know it wasn’t just an off the cuff decision one stupid drunken night feeling sorry for yourself.

I want you to know that your decision comes into my mind far too often than I would like to admit. It comes into my mind every time a black cloud comes into my life.

I know first-hand how much death by suicide can fuck someone else up. Therefore I know I couldn’t ever put my loved ones through it. I have two little boys who need me, and I made them both a promise of love when they were born, that I would be here for them in every regard. They are my reason for being here. I will move the world to give them everything they need.

Last year, I went to a group for those bereaved by suicide. I learned that your circumstance was definitely an exception to the rule. You wrote a letter. There wasn’t any one in the group who had a letter. Apparently writing a letter usually makes people cease their attempt. Also, alcohol isn’t really a factor in most suicides. The drink must have made you braver that fateful evening.

I didn’t know the type of man you were. I didn’t know what you were passionate about. I didn’t know what you did for work. I didn’t know why you weren’t married or why you didn’t have kids like your three brothers did.

I knew you as the playful loving uncle, with Benny and Deano, two dogs that I loved. I knew the uncle who took me to the woods and encouraged my passion for nature and wildlife. The uncle who bought me a blue Fila watch which I thought was the business. The inappropriate uncle who bought me ‘Robocop’ on video tape for my 8^th or 9^th birthday. It was a brutal 18 rated film. You bought my sister ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven’. The uncle who took us to Chessington a few times. The uncle who I remember once looked after me one weekend, and when you asked if I wanted a burger for lunch, you literally served me a burger patty, with a splodge of ketchup to the side. I was expecting a bun, and I told my mum about it in shock. You were the uncle who took us horse-riding, creating memories that would last a lifetime.

Therefore, your suicide was enough to prevent mine. As I would not want those around me to feel what we felt when you died.

84 men a week in the UK take their lives every week in Britain. 12 per day. That’s nuts. That’s 84 families affected. 84 versions of the ten year old me, who lost their playmate, and who for 25years will think about that person every day. The recent display on top of the ITV buildings by CALM was a huge eye opener. A haunting image.

If you are feeling down, scared of yourself, scared of your thoughts or fucking down in the dumps. Talk. Talk to anyone. You haven’t got to know them, you just need to get it out. Cry. If you need to, fucking cry. Fucking scream if you have to. Don’t let things build to the point where there is only way out, bottle of whisky in hand, writing your final letter.

If you notice in someone that something doesn't seem right, ask them. Talk to them. Show them you care. It might just save their life. 

World Suicide Prevention Day is a global event held every year on September 10th. 

With CALM I am calling on everyone to #StandAgainstSuicide by signing this petition demanding government action ➡️ http://bit.ly/SuicidePetition2018

Help is out there if you are in a bad place. Please use it.

CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858

Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk

Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393

Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123

Paternity Leave: My 10 top tips...

On August 13^th 2017, we welcomed our second beautiful baby boy into the world. His birth was a complete 180’ compared with my first sons birth in every single department. To start with it was far calmer, far quicker, and for me I was a lot more involved, which was great.  With it being the second time around for us, I had far more knowledge about what to expect. I already knew that my Life Will Change in an Instant.

My partner had once again been a superstar, and our new born immediately started to feed, and passed all required checks. We were told we were able to go home soon! Just four hours after delivery, we were being discharged by the medical staff. But then we received a phone call from Kate’s mum to inform us she was en route to the Accident and Emergency department, as our eldest had slipped and fell, appearing to have dislocated his shoulder. Just our luck I thought. Our eldest is literally 100miles per hour, all of the time. I have lost count of the amount of clumsy accidents he has had so far in his two and a half years on earth, resulting in hospital visits. So it was typical that when Mummy and Daddy were in hospital, that he would wish to join us! I quickly rushed to the A&E department, explained to the staff that my partner was upstairs in the Maternity ward, and that a three hour wait in A&E would not be possible for us. They kindly rushed him through.

At that stage I thought that my two week Paternity leave would take a very stressful turn. How would we deal with a new born and a two year old with an injury. It was that stage I decided to inform my employers of our news, and start my paternity leave.

I am lucky that the company I currently work for offer two weeks fully paid paternity. This is a huge perk compared to my previous company, where I was only eligible to one week full pay and the second week statutory pay. This would have left me out of pocket and struggling to pay bills that month, so I took the one week full pay, and added a second week out of annual leave. I felt at the time that my time off felt extremely rushed. This time around, I had the knowledge that I would get two weeks full pay, which meant I wouldn’t need to worry come pay day. Additionally, I elected to take one week annual leave on top, resulting in three weeks away from the office.

My three weeks off seemed to go past in a tired whirlwind. I am so glad I took the extra week off.  I needed it! We had multiple hospital trips for my eldest, who we discovered after two xrays, had a fractured collar bone, and appointments for my partner who unfortunately suffered an infection which caused her much pain and distress. We also were unable to register our son’s birth until the end of the third week, which was frustrating. We wanted to ensure that we gave ourselves as much time together as a family of four as possible. With our first baby, we had visitors every day, and to be honest it was too much. This time we decided to have immediate family only, which worked for us.

Us Dads are an important function of keeping things together in the weeks following the birth of your baby, however are often forgotten about in the process. A dad will be on an emotional rollercoaster, and will always have other worries and thoughts in the back of his mind. However long you are off of work for on Paternity, it is crucial to make the most of that time you have, and not allow yourself to over think about certain things. Just enjoy the time with your newborn.

Here are my top tips to consider during paternity leave:

1) Avoid work

Leave your laptop at the office and turn off the work phone if you can. Obviously this isn’t always possible, and for those who are self employed, getting any paternity leave will be difficult. But consider that in the wider scheme of things, your baby will not be a baby forever. This precious early moments will never be there again. Your partner will need a huge amount of help, and you will need to be there both mentally and physically. Try to ensure before baby arrives, that you have handed over work where possible, and made alternative arrangements where you can. If you have to take a call, try to get an agreement in place both at home and at work, of a set time you can take a call, don’t let them contact you when they see fit. For those two weeks, let them fit in around you.

2) Accept Tiredness

You will be tired. It’s a fact. It is unavoidable, and it is easily the worst part of the early days of parenting. It will hit you like a sledgehammer, and will be worse than any tiredness you have known before. You will have tired arguments in the middle of the night, which you call each other all names under the sun, accept it as part and parcel of having a baby, and move on. Agree that anything you say at 4am is not really ‘You’, instead it is ‘TiredYou’. TiredYou is a dick, and your partners ‘TiredHer’ is also a dick. Leave the tired arguments in the dark of the night, and enjoy the daytime.

Also, don’t whine about being tired to other people. When my partners waters broke at 11pm, we were told to go to see the Maternity staff, I knew it would be a long night. By 3am we were back home. I had been awake for 20 hours at that point, and we were not in active labour. Three hours broken sleep later, contractions were coming and we were back on our way to hospital. That night, I took the first night feed duty, and probably got four hours broken sleep in all. 7 hours broken sleep in the first 48hours is a sign of what was to come. But if you are to bring this up to people, you are automatically going to be seen as the enemy, so keep it to yourself, and try to get cat naps in where you can!  Understand that if you mention being tired, there's a chance your partner may want to lash out at you. Female members of both families will no doubt give you some disapproving looks, and any other mothers you encounter will tell you that you do not know the meaning of tired! – You have been warned! 

3) Do night feeds

You are already tired, but night feeds are not necessarily as bad as they sound. For me, it was about timing. First off, I was able to watch Game of Thrones airing at 02:00, the same time as it premiered in the US. That way I didn’t have to worry about seeing spoilers the next day, and having to wait til 9pm to watch it was the rest of the UK. (That Dragon! Jeeeez!). Secondly, I was able to watch the McGregor/Mayweather fight as it happened. I was already awake, so made sense to watch it live! Again, probably not a good idea to tell your Mrs that you strategically chose the nights you would do night feeds, and purposely stayed awake to watch early morning television.  

But in all seriousness, I felt some of my closest moments with my newborn son, happened during those night feeds. When the rest of the world was sleeping in darkness, my baby and I really connected. I was able to be as corny as I wanted to, knowing that it was just the two of us. I would be the one to feed and soothe him, I would be the one to watch him fall back to sleep. Precious moments, which I will cherish forever.

4) Be proactive. Get shit done

Don’t be the dad who just sits plays his Xbox for two weeks, as tempting as that may be. Be the dad who does things in the home, that the mum wants to do, or wants him to do, before she has to ask you to do them. Be the Dad who does the housework, cleans the bathroom, does the laundry. Be the dad who is the king of the bottle steriliser, unleash your inner chef. Even if it sucks, and you end up ordering a Dominos, just be active and be the best Dad you can be. Yes you may see yourself as being ‘the help’, but get off of your ass and get visitors drinks and sandwiches etc. Get yourself in the good books, and then when you need a daytime ‘time out’ after a busy night watching box sets during a night feed, you may get one without a verbal ear bashing!

5) Book to register your baby ASAP 

In the UK, you have to register your baby with your local council offices. I tried to book an appointment the day after my son was born. They told me the next availability was not for three weeks. If you are unmarried, then both parents need to attend the registration. This means you will have probably returned to work by this time, should your area be as busy as mine. So, just as you are getting into the swing of things, you are asking your boss for more time off. This is a ball ache you can do without. So get the registration appointment booked asap. If you are married, then you can chill, as your wife can do it for both of you.

6) Say no to visitors

Controversial this one, especially if it is your first baby. But try to limit your guests to family and closest friends only in the early days. As soon as you announce to the world that your bundle of joy has finally made his/her appearance, you no doubt be inundated with people who wish to come for a cuddle with your new-born. My advice would be to be selective. Those two weeks you may be able to take off are so special. Spend it together. People you may not have heard from in months suddenly want to come bearing gifts to show you and your baby love, which is great, but try to schedule them for when you are settled in your new life and when you are in some form of routine. In my opinion, family is the most important thing in the world, and now you have a family of your own, you need to protect it. I do not mean in a Male Lion sense, but protect the time you have together. With our first, we had different people most days, and after the two weeks were up, it was suddenly just the three of us again, as everyone had already met our baby.

7) Take photos. Lots of photos

Precious moments need to be captured and cherished. Although my partner claims she looks terrible, I know she looks beautiful and radiant. Take pictures of her when she is unaware, of her being her natural self with the baby. Ask her to take pictures of you too. Take selfies of you both and your little one. Take pictures of those who come to visit.

Me and my Boys

Once I became a parent, it became very apparent to me what that made my parents. They had become Grandparents. As kids, my sister and I lost one of our Grandfather relatively early in our child hood. I have only a handful of photographs of us together, and no actual memories of him. With my dad having Prostate Cancer, I am aware that although he is in good health currently, that may not last forever, therefore any moments he has with my sons, I want to capture them. As heart-breaking as it is, one day those photos and videos will be all my sons have of their granddad, who loves them so so much. The same applies for any relatives and friends who come to see you all. Take pictures. Keep the memories. Your baby will no doubt ask to see them one day.

Also, are you even a dad if you do not get a photo taken of the baby asleep in your arms, whilst you are getting some shut eye yourself?

8) Go out! Within reason! 

Once you are settled and confident, go out into the world with your baby. It will do you all good to get out of the house together. With our first, we started easy, we went for a walk in the park with our little one, and another time decided to go for a bite to eat. Although I felt the most protective I had ever felt, it brought a sense of acceptance that we would be ok at parenting. We probably had a false sense of security second time round, as we went to a shopping mall on day two. Half way round, my partner couldn’t go any further. So my advice is to take it easy, and keep the car closeby!

9)  Have a 'Daddy day'

Even with classes you may have attended and the books you may have read before baby comes along, until you do something just yourself and your baby, you will always depend on your partner a little. Be brave, take the plunge. Book a treat for your partner, a massage, a spa day, hair dressers etc, and have the baby for yourself. It will be down to you to do all the things that your partner will have do day in and day out when you return to work. This will help you see things from her side, when in a few weeks you return from work to see her still in her pyjamas, unwashed, the house turned upside down, and a tearful look in her eye!!

10)  Enjoy it!

Your new born may be a bottle guzzling, burping, sleeping and pooing machine, but hindsight will eventually tell you that it is a time where the hardest thing to deal with is the tiredness. If you can beat that, you have time to really enjoy learning how to become a parent.

The next months will continue to be a rollercoaster. Just enjoy the ride. Before too long your baby will no longer be a newborn, and the next chapter will begin. Cherish your partner, tell her every day how amazing she is, and always tell both your partner and your baby how much you love them.

If you are in this situation, I wish you and your baby nothing but success, with lots of health, happiness, love and laughter. Best wishes to you and your family.

The Boy who United Football...

All around the world, footballers are loved and adored by people of all ages. They are idolised, admired and hero worshipped. Their names are printed on the back of replica kits, so that young boys and girls can imitate their heroes.

In an age, where the top players can earn millions of pounds for simply kicking a ball around, they also take on a responsibility for those that love them. One such player who took his responsibility as a role model to another level, was Jermain Defoe. At the match between Sunderland and Everton the Premier League, a young boy named Bradley Lowery met his hero – the star striker Defoe. That moment, Defoe went further than most footballers meeting mascots. The footballer and the young fan made a friendship which united football fans and people in general, with the love which was clearly apparent between the pair.  

Bradley had been fighting a battle with a form of cancer named Neuroblastoma since he was 18months old. Having beaten the disease once, he was in remission for a number of years before it returned in 2016. His family battled and campaigned to raise vital funds to send him to the US for life saving treatment, but they were given the heart-breaking news that his illness was terminal. So the family vowed to continue to fundraise, and make a foundation in Bradley’s name, to help with the fight for other families affected. Part of the fundraising campaign included Bradley becoming a match day mascot at his beloved Sunderland football club, where he would meet his favourite player Jermain Defoe.

Bradley led the team out on multiple occasions, always holding Defoe’s hand. At times when he was clearly feeling weak, Defoe would carry the little boy in his arms. In the match against Chelsea, he was photographed with the team, and scored a goal which won the ‘Goal of the Month’ competition on the iconic show ‘Match of The Day’. Sunderland players visited Bradley in hospital, with one instance the little boy falling asleep cuddling his hero in bed. Other football clubs and fans offered their support, with Everton donating £200k to the fund to fight for his life, and he was a mascot for them in their match against Manchester City, wearing a Sunderland shirt with ‘Thank You Everton’ on the back.

Coinciding with Defoe’s recall to the England national side, the Football Association invited Bradley be a mascot for the national side. Captain Joe Hart stepped aside and invited Defoe and Bradley to lead the team out at Wembley Stadium. During this time, some beautifully poignant photographs were taken, of Bradley shielding his ears from the noise of the 90,000 crowd singing the national anthem, and turning to hug Defoe. Defoe states that this was a huge honour, and something which was truly special for him in his football career.

After the news broke that Bradley wouldn’t be able to win this fight, Defoe attended his birthday party, and continued to give love and support to the boy and his family, and continued his hospital visits.  

As a father, the story continues to choke me up. To see the love that was genuinely shared between the two is humbling. The way that Bradley looked at Jermain; it was a form of escapism for him. I wonder if Defoe will ever truly know the effect that his love, time, generosity and friendship had on Bradley and his family. Bradley pulled on the heartstrings of the nation. His smile was infectious, and the photos and videos that appeared of him in the football environment, showed a boy who for those moments forgot his was deeply ill. He was able to be the star for a short time, removed from the days spent in hospital. Defoe often said he felt the matches were more special knowing Bradley was in attendance. I am sure for Bradleys family, any time Jermain was able to give to Bradley, was every so more special seeing their little boy's eyes light up once again. Any parent would do anything to take away the pain, and for those moments, I am sure Defoe was able to do that for them, and help their son. It truly brings tears to your eyes to listen to the way Defoe spoke about the friendship. It was real. It wasn't because the PR team at the club told him to do so. It was raw love, raw emotion, raw human instinct in wanting to love and help someone.

Bradley sadly died on July 7^th, surrounded by his loving family. Social media accounts of footballers and football clubs offered their condolences and best wishes to the family. After Bradley passed away, Defoe tweeted: “Goodbye my friend, gonna miss you lots. I feel so blessed God brought you into my life and had some amazing moments with you and for that I'm so grateful.  I'll never ever forget the way you looked at me for the first time, the genuine love in those cute eyes. Really finding it hard to express what you mean to me.”

Thousands of mourners lined the route to his funeral, where attendees including Defoe, wore football shirts, with his name on the back, with a message on social media that Football Had No Colours, meaning the football world would come together to remember this brave little boy. His favourite superheroes were in attendance, and balloons were released to the sky.

Although there are hundreds and thousands of gravely ill children around the country who do not get the level of attention that Bradley received, Bradley was able to raise awareness for many of them. His legacy will inspire many people and his foundation has raised hundreds of thousands of pounds, which will go into helping those families. Events are being hosted in his honour, including a celebrity football match at Everton’s Goodison Park ground. Additionally Sunderland donated a corporate box for each match to a family who are going through these struggles, so that the ill child can have this great experience.

To make a contribution visit www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/bradleylowerysfight

In a time where astronomical figures are being spent for footballers, with their earnings and responsibilities in the spotlight, when compared with more everyday life hero's such as those in the Emergency services, it is great to see the human side of the sport. 

Such love, such compassion, such emotion, such support.

RIP Bradley. 

You touched the nation with your strength and your smile. You united football fans throughout the country. My thoughts and deepest sympathies are with your family, friends and your 'best mate' Jermain Defoe, the hero who showed us his human side.

In The End...

Aside from a dislike of elevators, I’ve never been claustrophobic, but as I have gotten older there have been a few instances where I have been overcome with a hot panicky sweat at being trapped somewhere. As I stood in my hospital robes next to the huge MRI scanner, I knew I needed something to focus on during the impending thirty minutes or so that I would be in the confined space. The nurse handed me a sheet of paper with various musical offerings to listen to: Adele – no thanks, Classical Hits – not for me. It didn’t look good. However whilst looking at my options there was only one thing which grabbed my attention; Linkin Park Greatest Hits.

As I laid there in the scanner, the hot panic hit me within a matter of moments. Stuck in this machine, consumed with a anxiety of being trapped. Then, in my headphones came the sounds of Linkin Park. I had envisioned that the music and vocals would drown out the machine as it scanned by brain, but it wasn’t as loud as I was hoping. However, I was able to focus on the music and singing, such a beautiful voice and powerful screams, and I was able to remove myself from that scanner, and take myself back in my memories to seeing them perform live in Abu Dhabi, back in 2010. Soon the sweaty panic passed and before I knew it, about eight songs had played, and the scan had finished. Losing myself in Linkin Park had again got me through a shitty moment in time in my life, which had been on mind since the appointment was booked.

Two days later I learnt via Twitter, that Linkin Park lead singer, Chester Bennington had taken his own life. It hit me like a ton of bricks, another one taken too soon. This man had been a huge part of my life for over fifteen years. I had listened to his music all too regularly. On the train, in the car, on the street, in the gym, or more often than not, when i wasn't feeling too happy in myself.

Like many teenagers, I had a phase where I questioned my existence. I felt low, I felt depressed, I felt worthless. Consumed by anxiety, I had just changed schools, and felt ugly and I felt dumb. I would spend a lot of time alone, and basically felt very sorry for myself.

During a Napster session in 2000 (sorry but we all did it!), I downloaded ‘In The End’ based on how popular the file was. Having not listened to Metal music before I was prepared to delete the file after hearing only a few seconds like I had done with other downloaded songs, however based on the intro alone I knew I would like this particular track. As the song continued, I immediately liked Mike Shinoda’s rap style, and when the chorus came in I had goose pimples. Chester’s voice was like something I hadn’t known before. How could someone sing so beautifully and then let out a real rock element like that? I listened again, and again and again. With each listen I would try to listen carefully to the lyrics. The lyrics to ‘In The End’ served as a release to me. I was able to sing and rap along to the song, which seemed to resonate.

“Ive put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, for all this, there’s only one thing you should know. Ive tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.”

This chorus made me think of my relationship with so many people. My teachers, my parents, my friends, those I secretly envied and wanted to be like. I was looking to be anyone else but myself.  The song was definitely part of my coming of age, and accepting the person I was. Theres only so much you can do to please others.. I didn’t need to change for anyone else. Other people’s opinions didn’t matter.

Fast forward ten years, and I was living and working in Abu Dhabi, UAE. As the post-race concerts for the Formula1 event were announced, I was delighted to see Linkin Park would be performing, having never seen them live before. Other songs of theirs had become favourites of mine – Numb, Crawling, Papercut, Faint, and One Step Closer to name a few. The day came round and I felt honoured to witness this band perform. It was literally one of the greatest live concerts I had attended. As they played ‘In The End’, the goosebumps came back as they always do to that song, but this time I looked back at all that I have achieved in the ten years from first hearing the track. I felt embarrassed to be in such a large crowd, overcome by emotion. But the beauty of that moment was that I was one of a number of thousands of people relating to that song right there.

Chester’s vocals were as impressive in real life as they were on CD.

Over the years, I have suffered from anxiety, loneliness and depression. As I have aged, I have understood a little more about how to break this feeling and to express myself. So many people have these issues, and music is a great form of escapism. In Linkin Park, I found an outlet who seemed to sing what I was feeling.

 A few weeks ago, a friend posted Facebook live videos of Linkin Park performing live from the O2 arena in London. Little did they know that they were going to be one of the final audiences to witness them live. I was completely jealous that they were there. They sounded awesome. Chester looked and sounded great. Weeks later, and he is no longer with us.

A man who despite his public acknowledgments of depression, seemed to have everything in place around him: a world famous band, millions of adoring fans, a large loving family, the respect of his industry. He had influenced more people than he would ever realise. A voice which gave chills. Only 41 years of age.

Coincidentally the same age that my uncle took his own life who will be Forever In Our Hearts.

Many people have views and thoughts about his final action. But ultimatley it was the demons in his mind that took control. He had spoke about how he had been abused as a child, he fought a long running battle with alcohol and drug addiction. He was open about his depression, and his music really served as a mirror into his world. The suicide of close friend Chris Cornell hit him hard, and he was found dead on the day that would have been Cornell’s birthday.

Much was written about Linkin Park's last record, One More Light. For me, I liked the new sound. I appreciated the difference. Many have called it Chester's suicide note, there for the world to see. Songs like Heavy offer a real insight to his mental state at time of writing. The title track One More Light was written in about a friend who had passed away. It was ever so poignant after the passing of Cornell, especially in the Jimmy Kimmel performance; and the way that LP performed it was as painful and grief filled as you could imagine. Listening to this song after Chester's passing absolutely wrecks me. Such a beautifully true expression of grief in one song. Beyond heartbreaking. You can see his pain within, in the way that Chester performed this in his final gigs, especially the Birmingham show, singing directly to the members of the audience.

Thank you for the music Chester, I wish that you didn’t have to take this tragic course of action. My heart is broken for your family, friends and band mates. I find a slight solace that your children will have so much footage of you at their finger tips, and that your music was an insight into your life. But that does not and will never replace having their daddy in their lives.

It shows the impact that a man had on the world, when millions grieve for the person who they have never personally met. But we all felt we knew you. You leave us with a vast musical catalogue, ensuring that your powerful, vulnerable, angry, emotional voice will forever be heard.

Your passing topped off what had been a pretty shitty week for me. Having been fearful for my health, and learning of the murder of my niece’s father, it pushed me into a level of negativity which I struggled to deal with. So i blogged about it.

There is always someone out there to talk to. If you have suicidal thoughts, seek help.

Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do.

#FuckDepression #MakeChesterProud

A Stream of Consciousness..

As I sit down to allow a brief stream of consciousness to leave my fingertips into my computer, there is a lot that I feel I need to, and can write about at the moment. For quite a while I have struggled with what to write about with this blog. The blog itself has served as my release of emotions when I have needed it to. Although I have dear friends, I do not necessarily have a large network of people around me of whom I can confide in about certain sort of things. Only recently have I found a few people in the workplace who have shown a considerable caring nature towards my happiness, and who have encouraged me to get things off of my chest.

However despite this, I have still avoided writing this post if I am honest.

It is hard to describe to people the emotions I have been feeling in the past ten days or so. Never in my life have I felt so unsure and unsettled, compared to these preceding days.

There have been four huge things which are ongoing which are, and will be, major events in my life.

Then there has been one event which has served as a trigger to my negative mind state. All five together at the same time, and the result is that my head is a little all over the place. So I think it is important that I address them in order to allow myself to fully understand what is going on.

The reasons for this rollercoaster of emotions have been multifaceted. Each of the subjects which are grabbing the focus of my attention are completely personal, relating to my family, and the fear of not being there for them. Old feelings and concerns have been raised, and a sense of trying to manage the grief that others are feeling is overwhelming. 

These feelings have been bouncing around inside my head, crashing against one another, with some dominating the other at times, but with all playing on my mind simultaneously. It feels like a combustible mix that I need to address.

Outwardly I have trying to keep it together, putting on a brave face at times in order to portray an appearance that I am being strong for those around me. However, privately I have needed to get my views out to avoid waves upon waves of downheartedness and negativity consuming me. It is getting harder and harder to shrug off the sadness.

I am planning on addressing each of the five things in my blog in varying degrees.

The first thing was health scare. I have been struggling with and complaining about headaches for a good few months. These headaches were unlike migraines, and were only affecting two specific parts of my head. I had been taking paracetamol to manage these, but concerned at how regular they were occurring. Then over the last few weeks I noticed I was losing the ability to recall certain words in specific situations. Something a mundane as cutting the lawn and I would forget the word for lawnmower for example.  Around the same time I noticed I would drop things quite easily, which was out of character for me. The door keys, my phone, and other everyday objects would slip out of my grasp without me noticing. Then the final incident was a fortnight ago, when I was walking to the train station in the morning, when all of a sudden I was on wet muddy pavement, having fallen over for no apparent reason. This concerned my partner and I, and I googled what the symptoms could be. I know you shouldn’t ever do that. But I am glad I did. I then saw a GP immediately and was referred to a Neurologist who sent me for immediate tests and booked an MRI. The next day I spent 30mins in a MRI machine, listening to Linkin Park’s greatest hits in an attempt to drown out the noise. The results were back that evening, and I was given the all clear in regards to any tumours or things in my brain which shouldn’t be there. This was a relief to say the least. Further examinations will be required, but at least the big scary thing has been ruled out.

Two of the things which I feel I need to talk about are linked and will need to be addressed carefully out of respect for the people involved and the ongoing situation. It is to do with the death of someone in my extended family and the effect of their loss on a specific loved one in particular. The story is a heart-breaking one to tell, and still feels raw and surreal. The incident only happened seven days ago, and not all of the facts have emerged. Some reports are vague, others misleading and there are final parts of the event still to happen. But there are still actions that are needed from me and my family to keep things together for others. I will need to give more thought into that post, than opposed to my usual writing style.

One is a thing I am super excited about, but still completely scared of once again.

The final one will deal with another unexpected loss. However this time to someone I have never met, but whose influence had a huge impact. The way in which this individual died has triggered feelings in me which have caused me to reflect and be saddened by.

Once again, I hope that by writing these blogs, I can feel a sense of release. I feel annoyed at myself for only having this outlet. But it has helped in the past, hopefully it helps again.